Fatherly Stuff: The Porn Identity- Reactions to an Article and Reflection

Jan 15, 2013

The Porn Identity- Reactions to an Article and Reflection



 
How early (if at all) is “too early” to be exposed to pornography?

This question came to mind after reading an interesting article on the parental section of the Huffington Post about a father who, while checking his 13 year old son’s computer for viruses, was shocked to discover that the source of the viruses was from his son surfing the internet for pornography.

My first thought  while going through the story was, “Heh, been there before. I wonder how this guy is going to discipline his kid.”

The father’s reaction however, really surprised me. I was expecting an initial reaction of shock followed by punishment and maybe a stern, TV sitcom-esque heart to hear talk complete with that cheesy music that usually follows.

In actuality, the father decided to write a rather touching letter to his son (then subsequently posted it on Reddit ) that basically let him know that he completely condones that action of viewing pornography itself. What he didn’t approve of was the method in which he chose to do so (i.e. through dangerous sites).

 This is a complete parallel from my experience and subsequent run in with my parents, which occurred in the 6th grade.

It was a bit different, because back then, our family did not own a personal computer (mid 90’s, during what now feels like the Stone Age). A friend of mine brought in a Penthouse magazine from his dad’s secret collection. In retrospect, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal , but at that age it was like taking a bite of that forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Or reactions probably mirrored that of Vic Vega’s when he opened that briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
Boobs, glorious boobs!
 



The images were then divvied among the group of us and for the rest of that week; we are bartering and trading images like currency faster than brokers on the New York Stock Exchange.  I didn’t have them for more than a day or two until one night, using the profound and insightful judgment that only a 12 year old would possess; I decided it would in my best interest to hide the pages that I collected underneath my pillow. Well, the next morning I was awakened by the sound of my mother praying to sweet baby Jesus. She went straight for the kitchen where my father was eating breakfast and I knew it was in for it.
He was standing in front of me, pages in hand with a face that was stern with anger and disappointment.  My father was a trustee at our church and to this day, a devout follower of the Christian faith, so in his eyes what I did was especially heinous.
I won’t go into excruciating detail of our discussion, but to give you the gist, he made me look up the word “depraved” in the dictionary so I could fully understand just how evil those images were and explained that I should be more grossed out than anything.
Overall, I caught his drift: Porn=Bad, Jesus= Good. Don’t get me wrong, he accomplished his goal, which was to scare the hell out of me and deter me from a behavior that goes against the mission of most parents. While I knew what I did was kind of wrong, I really didn’t fully understand why. After all, I was just following what came naturally; so what could really be wrong with that?
 This is why I respect Reddit dad’s approach. Instead of condemning, he identified with him and let him know that while is interest is normal, there is a safe way to do it. He also explained that the images he saw on his computer were hyper sexualized versions of reality and there are other things (love, etc) that make real life intimacy so much more complicated.
There are obviously some people out there who think that what he did was wrong, but at the end of the day what’s more important is a healthy relationship between father and son. I like to think that theirs was solidified after this ordeal.
I can’t honestly say that when the time comes that I wouldn’t  be as progressive to the effect that I would actually recommend sites to my child; it’s not really my place to judge another parent’s methods, especially if he isn’t causing harm to himself or others. What I will say however, is that I hope to find some sort of middle ground between my own father’s “Wrath of God” and Reedit dad’s “Porn is fun!” approaches.
As much as we would like to, we can’t protect our children from all of the bad things in the world. We could do our best to keep pornography away from them (extra security on the computer), but it’s almost a guarantee they will either be exposed to it from an outside source or will seek it out on their own. 
As they get older and more curious about their sexuality, we need to be there to steer them in a healthy direction, and it will be up to you as a parent that will determine what that direction will be.
And to the parents who are in complete denial and think it will never be an issue for their child, just remember the famous quote from John Donne ,”… I am involved in mankind, and/therefore never send to know for whom the bells/ tolls; it tolls for thee."

If you enjoyed this article, please share with others by clicking on the social media icons below.


Or if you want to get updates of new posts, you can enter your email here


You can also connect with us through Facebook, or Twitter

6 comments:

  1. I talked to my son about this already when he was caught at school looking at such things on the computer.

    After a bit of frustration that the people who ran the computer lab at the school had not child protected it, I decided to be completely honest with him.

    I said that it was totally normal to look at such things, and to go for it, but it is a private thing, and he should try and never be caught doing it, because many people think it is a bad thing, and will think badly of him because of it.

    Why confuse anyone with hypocrisies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @PBScott,

      I totally agree. If your son didn't get access from the school computer (which he shouldn't have had the opportunity in the first place) he would have most certainly came across it through some other means. Scaring our children into good behavior only results in a lot of confusion. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

      Delete
  2. There is a risk that exposure to porn, especially at an age where a person's sexuality is still developing, can distort their whole concept of what sex is and their expectations of what constitutes a fulfilling love life.

    For that reason, I would be wary of being too blaze of this issue. At the same time I do commend PBScott for not burying his head in the sand and tackling the issue head on.

    In my view the worst thing a parent could do is close down the lines of communication of ANY issue. Just my thoughts. I really really enjoyed reading this post. Great topic.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is certainly a tightrope that every parent should tread carefully. Whatever path one chooses to take will have lifelong remifications. As usual, thanks for your input.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The 'don't condemn anything sexual' view that has been heavily and quite successfully promoted since the 1960's, thru schools, tv shows, movies, and just about any other medium available to kids, is obviously going to be further expounded on by the Huffington Post. Fact is, though, just because something is 'natural' does not make it 'good' within civilized and moral a society. In a natural state, many things are normal for animals or humans without cultural education. We learn to restrain our natural urges in order to attain, hopefully, a higher level of existence. It is not an accident that most porno actors are people from very humble and broken homes lacking in a strong, educated parental presence during their formative years. We have to be taught to be monogamous, judicious, and dignified in our sexuality, and not act like apes. Having said that, a wise father does recognize that there are normal urges, and just having them is not cause for condemnation; but neither is it cause for indulgence.

    Beyond that, we all know that no matter what any libertine says, porno actors are viewed as people who have degraded their human dignity, and it closes doors in their lives. There is something unsavory about promoting a market that preys on the lost and clueless.

    I would say "My dear son, it is natural to have animal urges - we all have them to one degree or another, and none of us are perfect at keeping them in check. But a civilized gentleman does his best to subsume his sexual self to the road that leads to the woman that will be with him, in true love, for life."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for providing such a thoughtful prospective on this issue, Mark. While I personally agree with you on most fronts, I am not quick to judge another parent for choosing to take what could be viewed as a more "progressive" approach. I gather that it is possible (albiet difficult) for that parent to use said method and still raise a loving, well adjusted memeber of society. Thankfully for me, I have many years until I have to confront this with my own son, so I have plenty of time for reflection. Thanks again for your comment!

      Delete