Intimacy without "Intimacy": Sex During Pregancy (Or the Lack Thereof)

I’m going to take a minute and stop being a husband and a father for a second. I’m just going to speak from my mind as a man. Okay? Great.

Here we go.

 One of the things that can just plain suck about pregnancy from a man’s prospective is the sex, or the lack thereof. During those 9 tumultuous months, a woman goes through a series of physical, mental and endocrine changes that causes huge amounts of fatigue, rage, sadness, happiness and indifference. Sometimes, they will experience all of these emotions at once. Something along the lines of:

Oookay, I can take a hint:Tonight is a "hands off" night

They will no longer be as “ready and willing” as often when you two were young and baby-less. She will walk by that accursed full length mirror one day and stare for a while. Think about how none if the clothes and shoes in her closet no longer fit. She will then feel fat and unattractive. And gassy. Let’s not forget gassy .

From both ends.

The last thing she will want to think about is having something else besides a fetus inside of her. There are times that you two will have sex and sometimes those same hormones will work in your favor to make her a horny sex craving lunatic (yay!), but it will likely be few and far in between (booo!). On top of that, there will now be physical limitations that restrict you to about 1 or 2 of your basic positions. So you might want to put away the sex swing and the feather duster (for now). It can be challenging, to say the least.

One of the main facts that can just plain suck about the whole situation from a guy's perspective is while she is constantly changing, you really aren’t (in the sexual sense anyway). It’s tough, mainly because as men, we correlate intimacy and closeness we have with a woman with sex. And as the loving, partner you are, you will put your urges to the side and do your damned best to be as supporting, caring and understanding as possible. However, on the inside, you’re silently weeping over your deceased sex life.

I'll miss you, old friend...

As much as you try to suppress it, the anxiety you’re feeling due to this will come out in some shape or form. But before you close the computer screen to go crawl into a corner in a fetal position to morn, you may want to know that there is some good news. All is not lost. If you work at it, you will realize that your sex life doesn’t disappear, it evolves. It’s up to you and your woman as a couple to decide how far that evolution goes.

While I didn’t go through the same physical changes as my wife during the pregnancy, I did reach a higher level of maturity and as a result, gained a better prospective on our sex life. I took the opportunity to find ways to develop a deeper bond with her. After a while, “sex” didn’t seem so important. “Sex” is just intercourse, but she and I had something that went beyond that: intimacy, which is more valuable and longer lasting.

Listed below are steps that allowed me and my wife to reach that level that I think can be applied to any relationship-

1.       Massaging,..And lots of it- One of my wife’s biggest concerns physically was the potential appearance of stretch marks. As the baby grows, so does the stomach which is the main cause of these marks. Another concern was the growth of her feet, as they began to swell the further into her term she went (we estimate that at their largest, her feet grew about 2 sizes). Virtually every day before or after work, I would grab that bottle of cocoa butter lotion and rub her belly (cocoa butter was our preference, but any lotion or cream enriched with vitamins A and D will do). Then I would caress her back. Then her feet. As I rubbed, I made sure I complimented her body. Not only did she love every minute of it, I enjoyed making her happy and this ritual brought us closer together. As a result, she was so relaxed and conformable, that some days, she was willing to do other things (just don’t be too disappointed if “other things” mean falling asleep, complete with snoring and drool on the pillow).

It's okay, honey. I was too tired to do anything either *sigh*

2.       Cuddling- This may sound weak, fellas, but a little cuddling can go a long way. Spooning is a great way to develop intimacy between man and woman (note: the less clothes, the better). I think it’s something about holding your woman that satisfies their need to feel protected and a man’s need to protect that maintains a sense of closeness without sex.

3.       Talking- One of the best ways to improve intimacy doesn’t always involve physical touching. It is crucial to during the pregnancy period to make an effort to open up and discuss each other’s goals, hopes and dreams.  Having these candid discussions on a regular basis will learn how to be more in tune with each other, but it will remind you of the things you love about them in the first place and will keep your connection strong.

4.       Compliment … Alot- As I mentioned earlier, the changes that women go through during pregnancy can make them feel less than desirable. It can potentially turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy because if she believes she isn’t beautiful, why would her partner think she is? When she is feeling this way, this is probably why she was acting so distant, seemingly, "out of nowhere". Sound familiar?
      
       The most effective way to combat this is by complimenting. As guys, we have a tendency to take things for granted and we assume she knows how we feel. I mean, we’re together right? If I wasn’t happy with her,  I wouldn’t work so hard every day to make sure she has everything she needs, right? Wrong. You need to go out of your way to break down those insecure walls and let her know that she is the most beautiful person in the world to you. Every day I would rub my wife’s beautiful belly and would tell her how proud I was of her for being such a strong person, and how great of a mommy she was going to be. You need to tell her how you feel in the morning and before you go to sleep at night. Leave a note somewhere in the house that you know she will find this reminding her how sexy she is. These actions have the potential to help keep her self-confidence intact and strengthen those bonds of security with you.

5.       Date Night- Make the time to reconnect with your significant other by taking her out on a date on a regular basis. The traditional dinner and movie is great but if that isn’t in your budget, this is when you have to get creative. If she is home, surprise her and come home early can prepare a meal and watch a DVD together. If the weather is nice, why not have a picnic in the park, or at a vineyard (for the scenery, not the wine)?  Whether it be a small hike, a weekend getaway or whatever, the quality time you spend with her will crucial to draw on during those (cough) difficult moments during pregnancy and will reinforce the intimate bonds you already share.

So, there you have it. As much as I have learned over the years, it’s still challenge for me and I’m always learning something new. It’s certainly no small task. But with a little effort, patience and communication, you will develop an intimacy that will last during pregnancy and hopefully, throughout your lives.

Question: Was intimacy an issue during pregnancy? What ways did you overcome these obstacles?

Stress Management Tips for New Dads

Like most fathers, I love my family more than anything and as a result, I often find that the majority of my waking time is dedicated to them. In addition to working a job where I work 40+ hours with nutcases (some people may call them "coworkers") that sometimes drive me up a wall, my daily routine often starts with me waking up before sunrise and includes tasks that includes but not limited to: getting the little one ready for school, cooking breakfast, making lunch, buying groceries, appointments, picking him up after work, making dinner, giving him a bath, getting him ready for bed, reading a book, then putting him to bed. In between said tasks, I am expected to come to work with my game face on, ready to tackle any issue that comes my way. On top of that, if you’re like me, you have a significant other that is sometimes sympathetic but nonetheless (ahem) “demanding” of your time as well.

I think you see where I’m getting at.

We all know that the demands of life can pile on your plate and cause huge amounts of stress. That’s normal. It becomes an issue however, when you can’t manage that stress the right way and affects your family dynamic. Children, even at the earliest of ages are more in tune with their surroundings than we sometimes give them credit for and they can sense if something’s not right.  I’ve been guilty of that and hopefully through these tips you can avoid the mistakes that I’ve made.

1.       Sleep (When you can) - I wanted to get this one out of the way since for most of us, it’s one of the biggies. You know the scenario: It’s 3:30 am and that lovely dream you were having about ostriches in cowboy boots is suddenly interrupted by a piercing scream. After you drag yourself out of bed to comfort the little one and they finally decide to take pity on you and falls back to sleep, its 4:45 and your alarm is set for 5:15 because you need to get to work early that day. At work, you try in vain to attack your grogginess with caffeine, but you can’t shake that drowsy feeling all day which sets the stage for stress.

Rare moment of peace in the early days

 If your little one hasn’t mastered the art of sleeping through the night yet, it may actually get worse before it gets better. This is when you need to get creative. If you can, I suggest taking mid-day power naps. If I’m having a rough day, I use my lunch break to walk to my car, lean then seat back and set a timer on my phone for 20 minutes.  Studies have shown that a quick 20 min power nap can be more effective than sleeping for 1 hr. Another possible option is simply going to bed earlier. Swallow your pride, invest in a DVR so you don’t miss your shows and hit the sheets as early as 8- 9pm in you need to.

2.       Eating Healthy & Exercise- A lot of guys underestimate the value of a healthy lifestyle. The more your meals are well balanced with fruits, veggies and protein, the more energy you have than the better you feel. Also, try to set on average a couple of hours a week of workout time. There is nothing like a great workout to start you day with a little extra pep in our step. Or based on your schedule, you can get rid of the stresses of your day off after work. Even if you can’t dedicate that much time, anything, including going for a quick walk or taking the stairs instead of the elevator, is better than nothing. In addition to this, healthy habits are a learned skill and you want to make sure you set the right example for your child so they in turn develop the right habits that they will use for the rest of their life.




Martial Arts: My favorite de-stresser

3.       Setting Up Routines- One of the best skills I’ve learned to help manage stress is setting up and (here’s the important part) sticking to a daily routine. Daily routines are helpful because they help set a productive tone for the day. A good morning routine can be going for a morning walk, or setting some quiet time to go through a to-do list. Adopting a nightly routine is equally beneficial.  For example, here’s a portion of my nightly routine: before I go to bed, I set out my and sometimes my little one’s clothes for the day, make our lunches or the next day, then I do some stretching. Doing this gives me an opportunity to wind down and mentally prepare for the next day and taking care of some chores the night before with give you fewer things to worry about. Whether it's morning, mid-day or evening, a routine is a great day to battle stress.

4.       Taking Time for Yourself- By nature of being a father, you’re probably no stranger to self-sacrifice. Between your child(ren) , your coworkers , your friends, and your partner, you’re valuable to others and your time and energy are probably in high demand on a daily basis. But you have to remember that as an individual, you have to take care of your needs as well.  Do you have any hobbies?  Make sure you take out time every week to pursue those interests. It doesn’t have to be anything major. Reading, listing to music, watching the game or hanging with friends; just make sure it’s something you enjoy that you find relaxing...



A little peace and quiet can go a long way

5.       Set Aside Family Time- The daily stresses of work and family life have a way of weighing down on most men. Although work and chores are important, it is equally important (arguably more) to take some time daily to just enjoy each other’s company. My partner and I work virtually opposite schedules, but we try to make sure we eat dinner as a family on a nightly basis. Another great way to spend family time is reading bedtime stories, which also has the benefit of developing a love for reading in your child at an early age. Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure it’s fun and done together as a family.

6.       Talk it Out- I think there’s a common misconception in guy culture that equates strength with silence (AKA, the strong, silent type). While that can be true in some situation, dealing with your woman is one area that it’s not. Not only does taking time out of each day to sit with your significant other and discuss what’s on each other’s minds strengthen your relationships, getting things off your chest will take loads of stress off of your shoulders.

I think what you can take from this post is that there isn't a "cure all" method for getting rid with stress. However, the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is figure out ways that you can best managing that stress in a way that's productive, healthy and fun! 

What techniques do you use for stress management? 

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