Fatherly Stuff: The Most WTF Child Products on the Market

Feb 27, 2012

The Most WTF Child Products on the Market

One of the biggest concerns for a new parent is figuring what baby products to buy for their child. There are literally millions of toys, gadgets and equipment out there to choose from. While some of those products are useful for everyday parenting, there are plenty that are downright hilariously absurd and sometimes just outright disgusting. While my first instinct is to get angry at the companies for putting such items on the market, you really can't because they are simply supplying what some parents are willing to buy *shrug*.

 So without further adieu, I  would like to share a few of those WTF child and baby products that I've found on the web:

              1.  Baby Bangs

Purpose: Baby Bangs is basically a wig for babies that was created presumably for insecure parents who don't want others won’t confuse their little girl for a boy. As sad as that is, I'm probably part of the reason these things were created: Long story short, I once picked up a bald infant girl I didn't know, mistaking her for my friend's son, who was also hairless at the time. Needless to say, there was a tense moment of awkward silence between me and that little girl's mother

Unintended Consequence: Products like this teach kids at a very early age that if you don’t look that way society thinks you should, then you need to make every effort to fit in, as not to embarrass your parents

 2.  Time Out Pad:

Purpose:  An easy way for parents to discipline their kids while simultaneously catch up on their favorite daytime soap operas

Unintended Consequence: Children learn if they misbehave enough, they get to sit on what basically equates to a beeping, flashing video game.

3. Snot Sucking Mechanism (Fridababy)

Purpose- An easy and effective way to remove unwanted mucous from your baby's nasal passages

Unintended Consequence- If you suck too hard, you can end up with a mouthful of snot (blech!). I think I'll stick with a good old fashioned aspirator.

4. Baby-Kini

Purpose: To make your daughter look like a swimsuit model, and turn the heads of all the boys at the sprinkler. Highly sought after by the mothers of "Toddlers and Tiaras".

Unintended Consequence: Promoting body issues and teaching little girls all across America that nobody will like them if they don't show off enough skin.

Purpose: A funny/cute way to add some fashion to your baby girl's wardrobe.

Unintended Consquence: Baby Heels are just a start. Soon they'll come out with baby make up and baby thongs, proving that you're never to young to be sexy

Purpose: To educate children about the wonders of breastfeeding

Unintended Consequence: It's just weird.... seriously.

Purpose: Advertised in Asia as a "way to make your children earn their keep". Coming to a Walmart near you folks!

Unintended Consequence: Parents will be hauled off to jail by Child Protection Services due to breaking various US child labor laws.

Purpose: To keep parents protected from spontaneous streams of urine while changing their baby's diapers. 

Unintended Consequence:After continuous use, parents will get lazy and stop using diapers all together and will just leave the teepee on their child all day, similar to a birthday hat tied around their waist.

Purpose- Friends and family will have hours of entertainment while they point and laugh at your toddler's expense!

Unintended Intended Consequence-Friends and family will have hours of entertainment while they point and laugh at your toddler's expense!

Purpose: The placenta teddy was created to find a creative way to make good use of the placenta after birth, as opposed to disposing of it or eating it (seriously???).

Unintended Consequence: The combination of shock, horror and nausea your adult child will have with you explain to them that their childhood buddy was make out of "mommy's baby sack".

Honerable Mention

*Manary Gland

The Manary Gland, made famous by Robert De Niro via the movie, Meet the Fockers only gets an honorable mention because while hilarious, it's completely fictional. I mean, what company in their right mind would think to create such a ridiculous product. Although, I'm sure my wife would have loved a product like this when our kids were night feeding!

(Correction:It has been brought to my attention that this product does exist ): The website can be found here. My faith in humanity has suddenly diminished a little bit.

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  1. We love our nosefrida! Works way better than the bulb booger suckers and it has a filter so nothing gets in your mouth.

    1. I suppose I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it, but can you honestly tell me you don't get the taste of occasional baby boogers?