Reflecting on Newtown

Hey guys.

It’s been a while since I posted my last article. I actually wasn’t sure if I’d ever post another article again. While the “mission” of Fatherly Stuff was to share my experiences as a dad with the general public, it eventually got to a point where the blog was taking me away from those very experiences that I treasure.

So I figured I’d take a little hiatus so I could focus more on my family. At the time I thought, maybe I’d write again in a few weeks. Well, those weeks turned into months and eventually, the blogosphere was pushed so far back into my mind, I wondered if I was really done with writing.

Then the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut occurred. 26 innocent people (of which 20 were young children) were senselessly murdered by an individual who obviously had severe mental health issues at Sandy Hook Elementary School. As the country grieves for the families of these victims, we frantically attempt to find answers to rationalize the unthinkable, as our government furiously debates gun laws, parents all over are  hugging their children a little tighter every night. With this event, the dream of moving your family to a quiet little suburb so your children may be safe has been shattered into pieces, left for us to reassemble. The pure brutality of the event has touched my heart in such a way I felt the need to speak on it a bit.

Besides the fact that I am a father of my own, there are a couple of additional indirect connections that I have to this event. The first one is the fact that my wife is a kindergarten teacher. Newtown is not far from the school where she works and at the time, I had no idea the extent of the attack; if Sandy Hook elementary was the only location, or if the violence would spill in nearby schools. Needless the say, I was kind of on edge until she text me to let me know she was fine. Also, one of my best friends is coincidentally a rookie police officer in Newtown. It is typically just a quiet, picturesque town, when he first told me he would be working there, we used to joke that his biggest emergency would probably be that the local doughnut shop ran out of supply. Now, he is in the middle of an international whirlwind, working virtually non-stop shifts in order to ensure the residents in his town are safe and I couldn’t be more proud of him. Lastly, I learned that all four of the staff members who were killed attended the same university as me. While I did not have the honor of personally knowing them, after hearing the stories of their self-sacrifice, I couldn’t help but feel a great sense of pride to know that we are a part of a shared tradition.

So now what? Where do we go from here?

Well, the very next day in the midst of all of that death and devastation, I went to see Santa. Weeks prior to the Event, we had purchased tickets to the East Haven Trolleys. They have an event set up for the holidays where their trolleys take you to Santa’s workshop and your children are given the opportunity to speak with Santa as well as a photo op. Of course, this is all my son could talk about for all the days leading up to this, as he wanted to make sure Santa knew that what he wanted for Christmas was a Lightening McQueen stuffed toy. Overall, the trip was a success and the little guy was happy to find out he was on Santa’s good list.

In the back of my mind though, I felt a little guilty. The term "survivor’s guilt” is probably too strong of a word, but it definitely felt a little strange to be out enjoying my weekend knowing that there are families out there who just yesterday saw their children off to school without realizing that would be the last time they would ever get to hug or kiss them again. For those families, the holidays are forever tarnished with feelings of grief and here we are drinking hot cocoa hanging out with Santa Claus.

But then I realized something. Besides disappointing a toddler, what would I accomplish by staying home and doing nothing? Whatever the gunman’s full motives were, he obviously wanted to cause as much pain and grief as possible. So my thinking is this: if we allow that grief to consume us and run our lives, his mission would be successful. Maybe going out and having a fun family day was the perfect way to honor those children.

By doing this, we are proving to him that despite his grievous attempts, we are stronger and more resilient than he could have ever imagined.  With that said, I encourage you all to continue living. Continue loving each other the best you know how, and we will all get through this together.

Three Shades of Family: How We Address Interracial Challenges

We honestly had no idea...

 When my wife and I started dating, we weren’t thinking about how our relationship was part of a growing trend that is currently changing the cultural landscape of America.  We didn’t think about how as early as our parent’s generation, a union like ours would have been punishable by exile from friends and family, imprisonment, or even death. We just knew we were in love.

We didn’t really consider these implications… that is, until we had our son.

Before this, our lives were our own and we couldn’t care less about feelings and perceptions of others that disapproved. She didn’t care that I was an African- American who grew up in the inner city and I didn’t care that she was a Caucasian country girl from Maine. We were confident enough as individuals to see beyond color and culture. But now things are different. We brought a new life into this world. A world, while still evolving, unfortunately consists of people who will disapprove of who he is.

Interracial children tend to face adversity for many reasons, which include but are not limited to:

1.       Identity- People (like myself) born from parents of one race tend to take their identity for granted. My skin color is just the same as my parents and most family members. From an early age, my “identity” was no mystery to me.  However, if you are interracial, with your mom looking one way and your dad another, your identity can be confusing, especially at a young age.

2.       Lack of Exposure- It is quite common for an interracial child to be immersed in one culture more so than the other. This can be due to growing up in a single-parent household, or to growing up in a neighborhood where a particular race is the majority.

3.       Isolation – Children are naturally curious and unwittingly cruel. If you are a child in a school where you look or act different from the mainstream, you will likely be a target.  This concept is no exception when you are an interracial kid in a class room full of other kids that look different from you.

Impromptu Family Portrait

With that being said, In addition to our regular duties as parents, my wife and I have another very important responsibility: To find fun and interesting ways to teach him about his different heritages, and instill within him a confidence of self. The idea is that love and acceptance from his parents and family will be enough to combat any negativity that he may face in this world.

Here are some of the things that we have done or are doing so far to prepare him.

                          

·         Choosing the right neighborhoods

           I mentioned earlier that I grew up in an inner-city area of New Jersey. The community that I was a part of was essentially a melting pot of cultures, religions and ideals. In elementary school, I remember doing book report with a kid Pakistan, bartering lunch with a boy from he Philippines, playing Mortal Kombat with my best friend from Guyana and playing baseball with my neighborhood kids from across the street that happened to be from Puerto Rico.   I truly believe that being exposed to these different experiences at an early age taught me to judge people by their character and not by their skin color. I want that upbringing for my son as well, which is part of the reason I chose the area that we currently live in. Not only will he learn the valuable lessons that I did growing up, the chances of this being ostracized will be drastically decreased in a in a multicultural setting.

·         Education through reading

 We find that books are a great way to educate our  son about his backgrounds that he shares with his parents. We also use reading to teach him about other ethnicities and cultures as well. He are example of our favorite books:

 Shades of Black- Primarily a picture book, Shades of Black is a celebration of the many colors that make up the African- American race. The pictures consist of children with a variety of skin tones that range from light to dark and proves how beautiful they all are.

GoodNight Maine- This also a picture book. However the images of both coastal and inland Maine are so strong, not many words are needed. We visit my wife's family in Main often, so it is cool to connect the images that we see in the book with what we actually see while we are there. An excellent bedtime read.

WhoeverYou Are - This is a book that I believe should be in every child’s library. The book has pictures children from all over the world and stresses the point that no matter where you come from, we are all have the same wants, needs and cry the same tears. The illustrations are beautiful and the lessons taught in this book will reverberate well into adulthood.

  

·         Visiting Family

My wife and I were lucky in the sense that our parents were very supportive towards our relationship.  I have heard horror stories where people were forced to choose between their families or the person that they loved.

Partly because of this, we make it a point to get out and visit them as much as possible. Our son gets to see firsthand how well people of different backgrounds can get along. Also, by visiting both families frequently, he gets to experience the different cultures. This way, he is familiar with both aspects of his identity, which I hope will develop his confidence as he gets older.
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Fun with Grampy in Maine



Posing with his cousins in NJ

While race relations in our country have steadily improved over the years, they are by no stretch of the imagination perfect. There are still people in this world who will say and do things in order to make our son feel as though he does not belong. While we can’t protect him from everything, what we can do is our best to prepare him for what he may encounter.

Question: What's your take on interracial marriages and the challanges they and their children face? Can you relate (directly or indirectly) to these issues?

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Top 3 FREE Favorite Smartphone Apps for Toddlers (for iPhone and Android)

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Question: What is the fastest selling product in the infant/toddler demographic?

A) Television & Movies

B) Books

C) Smartphone Apps

If you chose A or B, then you clearly didn’t read the title of this blog post. There are literally millions of apps being sold on a regular basis, many of which are currently targeting the hearts and minds of our youngest inhabitants.

There has been somewhat of a controversy on whether kids actually learn from these apps, which you can read about here, or here. With your own research, you can make your own informed decision, but I make it no secret as to which side of the fence I stand:


Most anything in this world can be harmful, if used in excess. That philosophy can also apply to the usage of smartphone apps:

Is it okay to have your child use a fun/educational app within earshot of you while you fix dinner or get some cleaning done? Maybe.

Is it okay to turn your phone into super nanny while you run to the store real quick to buy cigarettes? Eh…probably not.

 It’s also a great way to avert potential meltdowns by keeping them responsibly preoccupied while you are driving, buying groceries, or waiting for a table at a local restaurant and those cheesy activity worksheets with the little crayons just don’t cut it.

 What I look for when searching for apps  are both educational value yet at the same time, is engaging enough to keep my child interested for more than five minutes. The other component that I believe is important as well is the cost . A lot of the time, you do get what you pay for. But I’m here to say that there are a few that exist where you can get quality at a great price (aka free).

Here are a few of our favorite apps that can be downloaded from iPhone and Android and won’t cost you a thing:

1. Zoodles (Kid Mode)
   

   This app is probably the most versatile of the bunch. Once you create an account for your child, the app is programmed to engineer a virtual conveyor belt of activities tailored to their age. These activities include YouTube sing along videos, interactive games, finger painting, storybooks and the list goes on. Another cool feature is the video storybook. I can take a video of myself or another family memeber reading one of the books listed from my son to play whenever he wants. He loves it because he can navigate though the options with ease. I love it because I can give him my phone with the comfort that it comes with a child safety lock, so he won’t be able to contact Japan and run up my cell phone bill. I also like that the app comes with a Parent Dashboard that allows me to monitor and filter the content that is fed.

   
   

   The free version gives your child a large amount of content to explore, but there you can also purchase the premium package, which makes even more options available, for a reasonable $3.99 a month. Here's a YouTube video of the app in action.


2.   Toddler Teasers(Shapes)
   
   

   The Toddler Teasers Shapes App is a learning tool that has figured out a simple, yet unique and effective way to teach your child a wide variety of shapes. As the parent, you can control the difficulty of shapes your toddler will encounter (2-D vs 3-D). They accomplish this through three basic menu options. The first is a kind of multiple-choice mode where your child has to connect the pictures of shapes with the questions being asked. Once they complete the round, they are rewarded with their choice of stickers.  My son enjoys being able to build and look at his sticker collection. Also, If the parent is interest, this app also allows them to track their child’s progress.

   
   

   The second mode works like basic flashcards that your child can go over either by themselves or with an adult or even a friend.  The third mode is called “Toy Box”. It is a random set of  3-4 games that center around shapes. All of this costs you nothing.

   
   

   This is where they get you through:  While the shapes category is free, the developers also have a variety of other subjects, ranging from letters, to animals, to even transportation that you can purchase at your leisure for $0.99 for 4 categories.
3. iStoryBooks
   
   

   For a FREE app, it really doesn’t get much better than this. With a library of over 25 story books ranging from the familiar (Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, The Little Red Hen) to lesser known tales from countries like Gambia and Iceland, the iStoryBook app is littered with modest yet colorful artwork on each that is enjoyable to both the child as well as the parent.  The main narrator for the stories (Mya) is engaging and has a pleasant voice to listen to.  Some of the stories can also be downloaded in Spanish as well. What’s also useful is the auto-read option, which allows you to simply sit back and enjoy the story.  Here is a YouTube link of one of their stories.

Honerable Mentions

The following are also great free apps that didnt make the top 3 cut, but are still worth checking out:

• Kids Piano Lite-A great way to nurture a love of music in your child. This app allows you to play free hand or with the notes automatically highlighted to make it easy learn the songs on their playlist. The piano key sounds are also customizable. While the full version does provide some extras, the free version is still a stand alone awesome product. Here's  a YouTube link if you want to see it in action.
• Kids Finger Painting Art Game- This app provides you with tons of pictures to paint. It also has different paint brush settings which adds to the experience. The paid version comes ad free.
• The Laurie Bernker Band Mobile App- I talked about this app in a previous post: You can access their database and listen to most of their songs and music videos. There is also an option to view info regarding tours and other cool updates.
  
  

Question: What other apps do your children enjoy? Is cost a major factor for you?


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