An Open Letter to My Sons

5/9/19- Since this was written, there have been so many senseless killings of black citizens that it's easy to almost become desensitized to it (Michael Brown, Sandra Bland, Philando Castle, Tamir Rice, to name a few). However, I as a father I don't have to luxury to go numb. I have 3 children who are still blissfully naive to the current state of the world. Unfortunately, this poem is more relevant than ever. 

The following is a poem to my sons that was inspired by the reactions to the death of Treyvon Martin and the subsequent trial and acquittal of George Zimmerman:

Before I continue, I want to establish a few things:

1)      I personally do not believe that the Zimmerman verdict was a result of racism. I believe it was due to the defense doing a better job proving their case than the prosecution- that to me is such a shame, because justice was not served that day

2)        While it is not clear exactly what happened on that fateful night,  I do think that the root of those events stemmed one person’s ill-fated judgment of another based on the color of their skin and the clothes on their back

3)        The wildly polarized reactions of this case across the span of social media, shows the issue of race is not only alive, but it is a growing pressure cooker that has once again come to a peak

My Sons,

Let me tell you a story…

One day when I was a young man, I met your mom.

She was smart, beautiful and most importantly, she thought my jokes were funny.

And so, I asked her to be mine. She said yes.

And our love grew.

It grew so much that it made God smile. He smiled so much that he decided to give us two very special gifts.

And those gifts were you.

HE made you in our image

HE gave one of you my nose, the other her smile

And he  gave something very unique to the both of you: Our color

Oh yes, that’s right;

 I should probably mention:

That I’m what they call Black

And

Your Mother, she’s something that they call White

We never mentioned this to you because it doesn’t matter

And besides

That’s not how we teach you to see the world

And that’s not how we saw each other

The only thing we saw when we looked at each other was Love

We never noticed silly things like that

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who don’t see Love

They only see color

And those same people think that it’s wrong for me and your mom to be together

Those same people will look at you, my sons

And not see you as precious gifts from God

They will only see you as color

And so, to no fault of your own

Before they even get a chance to get to know you

They will try to disrespect you

Try to define you

Try to deprive you

Try to demoralize you

And try to defeat you

They will try

And Try

And Try

But they will fail.

Because you both are stronger than that

And not only will you persevere

But will triumph!

Because Love transcends color

And ignorance

And prejudice

So go forth, my sons

The torch has been passed

And show the world

The Love is the future

That Love is an unstoppable force

That the Love within you will one day change the world

Love Always,

Dad

Pink: How a Color Taught me a Priceless Lesson about Gender Bias and Fatherhood

This is a republished post. 

I’ve always considered myself a pretty progressive dad, riding the wave of modernity in the 21^st century. In our household, the lines of the past that steadfastly identified what was considered “man” and “woman” responsibilities were more opaque and everything from diaper changing, feeding, paying bills and getting up late at night to tend to a sleeping baby is divided based on whoever’s hand is on deck at any given time. It’s not the easiest job in the world, but to be honest I felt pretty good about being what most people would label a “modern dad” and I wore that title like a badge of honor.

My title was put to the test however the day my wife brought this home for my son:



The first thing I said to my wife was: “Um that can’t be for my son. That thing is wearing a skirt”

“So?”

“Well, skirts are for girls, and he’s a boy so we have to return it for a monkey with a pair of jeans or something”

My wife rolls her eyes, calmly asserts that I am being silly and eventually the toy is given to my son. That little hula monkey ends up being one of his favorite toys as an infant and I realized that I indeed was making a big deal out of nothing.

Fast forward to his toddler stage:

My son is asked what his favorite color was and he emphatically replies that it is pink. Deep down his answer made me a bit uncomfortable, but I didn't show it: I gave him a hug and told let him know how awesome his selection was.

 But why did I have that reaction? What hell was I afraid of?

Well for starters, pink is a girl color. It’s not just “a” girl color, but the international spokescolor (yes, a made up word) for the female gender. You see it on every dress, tutu and Barbie convertible that is marketed towards little girls. So how could it be that my son, who loves to collect bugs, do karate and play with race cars would actually like something that is so obviously... "girly"? When I was a kid, if you we're a boy who admitted you were a fan of pink, you’d instantly be labeled a sissy and be the object of ridicule of every bully in a three classroom radius. I suppose my fear stemmed from a misguided desire to protect him from that kind of scrutiny. (I also believe that it is more frowned upon for little boys to explore activities outside the perceived gender role, than it is for girls to do the same. But this is subject matter for another post!)

After some reflection however, I began to understand that the issue was not with him liking this color, but with the fact that I had a problem with it at all. I then realized that maybe I’m not as much of a forward-thinking father as I had thought. Maybe I'm just as guilty of the same male chauvinistic stereotypes that were the norm during my father’s generation and the generation before his.

After I accepted this reality, I then decided to explore these feelings in order to understand, then overcome them.

And so began my journey...

So, who decided that pink was a “girl” color anyway? After doing a little research, it turns out that the practice of associating colors with gender is a fairly recent concept.

Photo Credit

  

When you look at the above picture, what do you see?

If you said girl, you would be wrong. Not only is this frilly young lad a boy, he is none other than Franklin D Roosevelt, one of the greatest US presidents who ever lived.  This picture, which was taken in 1884 is a reflection of the views of that time period. It was actually a normal practice for parents to have both boys and girls wear gender-neutral white dresses throughout their early childhood. By age 7, boys would finally start wearing pants and would get their first haircut. If I had to guess, I would suspect that this was done as more of a cost saving measure by the parents.

 According to an article posted on the Smithsonian Magazine’swebsite, there was a time as early as 1918 when pink was considered the primary color for boys and blue for girls. The public perception began to change around the time accurate prenatal testing had become standard practice. Child and infant clothing retailers, looking to make money, capitalized on this trend began to shift their products and advertising campaigns toward gender specific colors.

Then the cycle is perpetuated: as these gender specific colors become more defined, as parents and as a society, we tend to push these values onto our children and an earlier and earlier. I’m almost certain that my perceptions were directly influenced based on this trend.

So basically, the wool was systematically pulled over my eyes to believe the pink is a color exclusively for the female sex from the moment I arrived on this earth.

Despite this however, there's already evidence of the tide beginning to change.

Photo Credit

This picture of a mother and son with pink panted toenails, was taken for the 2011 J. Crew spring catalog and caused quite the controversy, but it is also an indicator that the mainstream is once again evolving and pushing boundaries.

For me, the picture didn't bother me at all. I figured, whatever that little boy's parents choose to do with their child is their business. Little did I know that my son would once again unknowingly push my personal boundaries.

I came home from a long day's work to a giggling wife. Perplexed, I asked her what was up. She sheepishly opens up her phone and shows me this picture:

Apparently, he saw mommy painting her nails and thought it would be cool to do copy her. He then grabbed his marker and proceeded to color his toes. My wife thought it was hilarious. I'm ashamed to say that I blew it out of proportion and was pretty upset. I considered scolding him or at least explaining why what he did was wrong. Thankfully my wife brought me back down to earth, just like with the hula monkey situation and reminded me that I was being ridiculous. He was only a toddler and if I did end up confronting him with negative reinforcement, it would have likely done more harm than good. It has been about a year since that ordeal; he has never brought it up nor attempted to do such a thing again.

So going through all of this, what lessons have i learned?

 I've learned by understanding the false stereotypes that were taught to me in my youth, I am able accept the past without compromising my future. All that matters is the fact that I love my son and as his father, it is my job to ensue he is raised in an environment where he feel safe to express himself. And that includes him deciding to like pink, purple, blue or any other color he so wishes. Or if he ever wanted to try on his mommy's shoes. Or any other thing that someone might consider "girly". I will almost bet you that in the eyes of a child, most activities that we as adults tend to categorize with a gender are completely neutral to them.

Plus, who knows? Maybe in 50 years, pink will be the "it" color for boys once again.

Question: Have you ever been confronted with your own gender biases with your child(ren)? How did you react?

Battle Dadbod with EAS Myoplex!

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #PowerInProtein #CollectiveBias

Before I became a parent, I was in pretty good shape, but it wasn’t because I was health conscious. During college, I was certainly no stranger to a late night pepperoni pizza or two, or the occasional Dixie cup filled with Bud-Light tapped from a keg.  But between being on the football team for a time and joining the school’s martial arts club, I led such an active life style that my high metabolism incinerated all of the bad calories that I took in.  
 

Fast forward to the present; Now that I’m a full time parent, my priorities have shifted. The time that I used to spend training is now dedicated to caring for my two boys.  Unfortunately, the habit that I carried over from college for sure was my poor eating. The beautiful 6 pack that I so foolishly took for granted was slowly being replaced with an industrial sized keg. I knew I needed a change, but I would often use the kids as an excuse and convince myself that I simply didn’t have the time to work out anymore.

The wakeup call for me happened one morning when I was late for work. I was rushing through the house trying to get ready. I put on my pants and noticed that they were a little snug, but I didn’t pay it any mind. That is, until I bent over to tie my shoes and heard a ripping sound. I looked behind me in a mirror and saw a huge split all the way down the back of my pants. I couldn’t deny it anymore: I had “dadbod”. While the whole dadbod movement is primarily about self-love and acceptance, I didn’t like the flabby figure that I saw in the mirror. It was right then and there that I decided to take control of my life (and my waistline).

One of the first things I did was head down to my nearest Walmart to the Sports Nutrition aisle. It was there that I picked up a couple of EAS Myoplex ready to drink shakes. Since I’ve been on such a haiatus, I knew that my body was going to be depleted after going through my exercise routines. The protein and complete nutrition in EAS Myoplex gives me the boost that I need to help my body recover and rebuild to its best.  

 

Since my free time is scarce, I’ve been making more of an effort to be as efficient with my time as possible. I’ve worked out my schedule with my wife so I can have at least two gym days per week.  Even though, there are things that come up that might prevent me from going to the gym, on the days that I can’t, I try to incorporate my kids into my workouts by taking them out on walks, bicycle rides and playing tag in the backyard.

 

I’ve even decided to get back into a little bit of martial arts training!

 

In the workplace, even the seemingly minor changes have made a huge difference. For example, there are five floors in my office building. Instead of taking the elevator every time, I’ve been using the stairs. Also, if I wanted a coffee, I could always go to the cafeteria that is located in the building. As opposed to doing that, I’ve been walking the half mile downtown to the nearest coffee shop for my fix. 

 

After going through all of this, I’ve come to a realization. Sure, I want to look good, but I’m no longer concerned with results. Adopting the healthy, active lifestyle has given me more confidence and the sense of satisfaction I get from accomplishing the goals I sent for myself has me feeling better than ever!

Now, I want to hear from you: What kind of workout routines are you guys into? Comment below!

Dreams and Nightmares

I was lying on the couch feeling exhausted from a long day in the office, which was then followed by a hectic evening getting the boys through their nighttime routine and eventually off to bed. The living room was dark, except for the dull glow of the screensaver on the TV, which permeated from its screen.  Usually, even that little bit of light would be enough keep me awake, but my tired body stubbornly refused to allow any distractions from allowing it to reach its goal.  Too tired to even make the trek from the couch to the bedroom, I rolled on my back, slung my forearm over my eyes and slowly began to let myself drift away. Right before I started my REM cycle, a small, familiar voice pulled me out of my trance. 

“Daddy?”

I rolled on my side and straightened my neck upwards with squinted eyes to find my 6 year old son peering back at me. 

“Oh hi, kiddo.” I whispered. “What are you doing up so late?”

“I can’t sleep because there’s a monster in my room.” he said with a pout, arms crossed. 

 I was silent for a moment as he stood there in front of me. My wife and I have been dealing with this “monsters” phase for a little while now and quite frankly, I was feeling a bit annoyed that he woke me up once again because of it. Occasionally, I would take the “tough love” approach by insisting that he had nothing to worry about and he needed to get back into bed. But today I decided to handle it with a little more empathy. I brought him into his room, adjusted his nightlight and checked each closet, corner and space beneath the bed until he was satisfied his room was 100% monster free.  I laid him back in his bed, and ensured him once again that there was no such thing as monsters. I kissed his forehead and stayed with him until he passed out. 

As I tiptoed back out his room and walked down the hallway to mine, I felt a sense of guilt come over me. Even at the age of 6, I try to be honest with my son as much as possible, but I had just spent a better part of 15 minutes lying to him with a completely straight face. I assured him that monsters didn’t exist, but in reality I knew this was far from the truth. The monsters that I had in mind don’t come in the form of apparitions or creatures with glowing eyes and sharp claws. The type that I’m referring to wear badges, and are seemingly so drunk with power that they regularly take the lives of young Black men and women with reckless abandon and without repercussion. 

Just ask Tamir Rice.

Or Michael Brown.

Or Freddie Gray.

Or Eric Garner.

Or Sean Bell.

Or Oscar Grant.

Or Treyvon Martin.

Or Sandra Bland.

Both of my children are biracial, and there is nothing that I would love more than to sit them down one day tell them that race doesn’t matter. The sad reality however, that is not how the world as we know it currently functions, and when they become adults, they will need to learn to navigate it with a layer of hyper-awareness that all Black males are required to possess as a default in order to ensure their safety. This awareness comes with the understanding that not all police officers are bad people, but also knowing there are enough bad ones out there for them to be on guard. But even that might not be enough. 

They’re still young, so I decided to hold off on having these discussions. But one day, as we’re skipping rocks in the pond, I might use that moment to talk to him about the proper way he should conduct himself when he gets pulled over by the police. Or perhaps as were eating ice cream on a park bench, I can instruct him on how to respond if an officer wants to frisk him. One day, when we’re working in our garden, I might even explain ways that he might make himself “less suspicious” and why these skills are so important for him to know. 

One day, before he finds out the hard way, I will reveal to him that monsters do exist. 

These were the thoughts that swirled in my head as I lay in my bed that night, trying in vain to fall asleep.

A Pet Puppy Would Be Great For Your Son’s Birthday Gift

*The following is a guest post. Please enjoy!*

Do you have your son’s birthday coming up and you are planning a special gift for him this year. It could be that it’s his 5^th or 10^th birthday and you are looking for a remarkable presentation this time. So, what is it that will make the tiny one jumping in joy with “Oh daddy, I loovvvee you soo much”? While there is no dearth of cutting edge toys and gizmos for little boys, a special gift is something that will bridge a cherished emotional bond between you two for life. A cute puppy can definitely mark a phenomenal gift for your son’s upcoming birthday.

Men and dogs always share a special connection. To know more about it visit this link.

There are various benefits of letting your child play and grow up with a dog.

Unconditional love

First of all, a puppy can be the cutest and most loving gift ever. Your kid would get a constant companion whenever he is at home- who will never be tired of showering affection to him with constant hugs, licking and snuggling. Unlike teachers or parents, the puppy won’t ever be critical & dictate orders to your little master. They would always love him, unconditionally- & the very presence of the pup would provide a feel of security for the kid.

Positive self-image

This very unconditional love & companionship from the pup would make the kid feel important that further helps in developing self-confidence and positive feelings about oneself. The very fee that there is somebody to who I am really significant is an excellent mood booster.

Better relationships

It has been found that kids attached to their pets are better at building and maintaining relationships. It’s because companionship with the dog would help to develop feelings of empathy, love and responsibility as well as gratitude among the kids- the crucial ingredients of any successful relationship.

Physical well being

Studies say that children who grow up with pet dogs are lesser prone to asthma and allergy. Moreover, dogs are usually active and prefer running and jumping every now and them. The play sessions with the puppy would assure good exercises for your child as well since his growing years- which is very necessary for his growth, development and physical well being

Calming effect

If your son is too energetic and if you often struggle to keep pace with him, a pet puppy would be the right gift him this time. According to studies, dogs could help to calm down overtly aggressive or hyperactive kids.

To know why every man must have a pet dog, click here. 

Now, when it comes to buying a dog, you must be careful about the breeder. You can visit https://www.k9stud.com/ as the site offers you to interact with some of the most qualified breeders here in America- irrespective of the breed you are looking for. This portal also holds basic data about almost every type of dog breed.

Fatherhood From a Point of Reference

We all know that that being a good dad isn’t easy. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that we all tend to suck at it from time to time. Despite this information, there are scores of men-including myself- who wake up each and every morning and become the horse for their children’s piggy back rides, the kisser of their boo-boos, the wiper of their tears.   In other words, many of the decisions we make are with the happiness of our kids in mind. On the other hand, there are just as many men who are selfish, neglectful, or abusive towards their kids. Those men, although being the individual who managed to fertilize an egg that produced a life, in no way deserve to be called a father.

 The moment a man finds out that he is going to be a father, he will immediately find himself in front of a road which diverges into two paths: The road of becoming a good dad is the more difficult path, but the rewards earned by the journey are worth their weight in gold. The other path on the surface is seemingly the easier, but the end of the journey is riddled with nothing but bitterness and resentment and regret for all parties involved. You would think that the decision to walk the “good dad” path would be a no brainier, yet so many men make the choice to go the other way.  So herein lies my question:

 What are the determining factors that make a man choose to walk one path of becoming a good dad versus the other? It sounds like a complicated question, but when you peel back the onion, you'll notice that while the answer might vary based on the circumstances of each man, the common thread between them is their point of reference for fatherhood.

For better or worse, we are all products of the way that we were raised. The person who I am, who you are today is the direct result of how the people who brought us up treated us as children. If you were brought up by a father figure who gives love and support, you're more likely to use that example to become the type of father who provides this for their kids. However, if your fatherhood point of reference is that of someone who was absent and neglectful, then there is a chance that you will also follow suit when you become a father yourself. On the flip side of that, your destiny is not set in stone. There's also the opportunity for growth and evolution if you use those negative experiences to resolve to become the father that you did not have growing up.

How that father figure treated you as a child had shaped your mind and has set you on a path which dictated how your decision making skills will guide you in your life. The inner workings within our character, in our personality that we innately use to choose who we surround ourselves with-be it friends, our significant others, etc., - is either directly or indirectly derived from that point of reference.

Quite often, I have friends and colleagues who compliment me, who look at the fun Facebook and Instagram pictures, assume that this fatherhood thing is all jellybeans and unicorns and will tell me that they look forward to the day they will become a dad. However, they have a very little (if any) of an understanding of the hardships, sacrifices and personal doubts and anxiety that I went through that got me to be where I am today.

Please understand though that the purpose of this exercise is not to give you an excuse for crappy behavior in any shape or form. By reflecting on, and acknowledging your past, you will put yourself in a position that will help you make better decisions in the future. We don't have the ability to choose our environment and role models as a child. But as an adult, we can start to surround ourselves with healthy relationships.

The point of reference doesn't just affect your parenting ability; it can also shape how you interact with other people. For example, if your parents were married for 30 years, your point of reference as an adult will guide you in a direction where you will be more than likely to seek out someone that you can see yourself with for the next 30 years. If your point of reference is more volatile than that, you're more prone to seek out someone that might not workout in the long run.

 

Although my parents divorced at 4, I don’t remember it really affecting me as a child. In fact, it wasn’t until later in my adult life that I realized what a profound impact that point of reference had on me. Most of the relationships that I had before getting married have been short lived, which was mostly due to my efforts. The instability that I witnessed growing up resulted in me unwilling to make meaningful connections with people. Looking back, I now understand that I constantly kept them at arm’s length so I could avoid being hurt. These superficial relationships caused me to unintentionally push people away. When I finally came to an understanding of this, I found myself at a crossroads and was faced with two choices. Either shrug my shoulders and continue my behavior, using my past as a crutch, or I can use my newfound awakening as a learning opportunity and focus my energies to evolve my way of thinking.

So, it is import to reflect and ask yourself this question: What is your fatherhood point of reference? Based on your answer, will you choose to become a better dad/husband because of that reference, or despite of it?