The moment a man
finds out that he is going to be a father, he will immediately find himself in
front of a road which diverges into two paths: The road of becoming a good dad
is the more difficult path, but the rewards earned by the journey are worth
their weight in gold. The other path on the surface is seemingly the easier,
but the end of the journey is riddled with nothing but bitterness and
resentment and regret for all parties involved. You would think that the
decision to walk the “good dad” path would be a no brainier, yet so many men
make the choice to go the other way. So
herein lies my question:
What are the
determining factors that make a man choose to walk one path of becoming a good
dad versus the other? It sounds like a complicated question, but when you peel
back the onion, you'll notice that while the answer might vary based on the
circumstances of each man, the common thread between them is their point of
reference for fatherhood.
For better or worse, we are all products of the way that we
were raised. The person who I am, who you are today is the direct result of how
the people who brought us up treated us as children. If you were brought up by
a father figure who gives love and support, you're more likely to use that
example to become the type of father who provides this for their kids. However,
if your fatherhood point of reference is that of someone who was absent and
neglectful, then there is a chance that you will also follow suit when you
become a father yourself. On the flip side of that, your destiny is not set in
stone. There's also the opportunity for growth and evolution if you use those
negative experiences to resolve to become the father that you did not have
growing up.
How that father figure treated you as a child had shaped
your mind and has set you on a path which dictated how your decision making
skills will guide you in your life. The inner workings within our character, in
our personality that we innately use to choose who we surround ourselves
with-be it friends, our significant others, etc., - is either directly or
indirectly derived from that point of reference.
Quite often, I have friends and colleagues who compliment
me, who look at the fun Facebook and Instagram pictures, assume that this
fatherhood thing is all jellybeans and unicorns and will tell me that they look
forward to the day they will become a dad. However, they have a very little (if
any) of an understanding of the hardships, sacrifices and personal doubts and
anxiety that I went through that got me to be where I am today.
Please understand though that the purpose of this exercise
is not to give you an excuse for crappy behavior in any shape or form. By
reflecting on, and acknowledging your past, you will put yourself in a position
that will help you make better decisions in the future. We don't have the
ability to choose our environment and role models as a child. But as an adult,
we can start to surround ourselves with healthy relationships.
The point of reference doesn't just affect your parenting ability;
it can also shape how you interact with other people. For example, if your
parents were married for 30 years, your point of reference as an adult will
guide you in a direction where you will be more than likely to seek out someone
that you can see yourself with for the next 30 years. If your point of
reference is more volatile than that, you're more prone to seek out someone
that might not workout in the long run.
Although my parents divorced at 4, I don’t remember it
really affecting me as a child. In fact, it wasn’t until later in my adult life
that I realized what a profound impact that point of reference had on me. Most
of the relationships that I had before getting married have been short lived, which was mostly due to my efforts. The instability that I witnessed growing up
resulted in me unwilling to make meaningful connections with people. Looking
back, I now understand that I constantly kept them at arm’s length so I could
avoid being hurt. These superficial relationships caused me to unintentionally
push people away. When I finally came to an understanding of this, I found
myself at a crossroads and was faced with two choices. Either shrug my
shoulders and continue my behavior, using my past as a crutch, or I can use my
newfound awakening as a learning opportunity and focus my energies to evolve my
way of thinking.
So, it is import to reflect and ask yourself this question:
What is your fatherhood point of reference? Based on your answer, will you
choose to become a better dad/husband because of that reference, or despite of
it?
