Fatherly Stuff: A Dad's Thoughts on Why it Shouldn't be All About Miley Cyrus

Sep 4, 2013

A Dad's Thoughts on Why it Shouldn't be All About Miley Cyrus





On a typical Sunday night, I'm usually in bed early after an activity filled weekend of family fun and/or chores. But on the night of August 25th, I was having an uncharacteristic bout of insomnia, so I decided to do some channel surfing. It was because of this that I ended up tuning to the MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs) and my eyeballs were subsequently treated to the twerking sensation that was Miley Cyrus's hind quarters. It was a performance fueled by decadence, wrapped in a layer of debauchery with a little bit of mischief sprinkled on top.


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And just like that, the internet was set ablaze. Even I have to admit, I jumped into the fray almost immediately after and gave my initial reaction:

I might've been a bit judgmental...
 

 The US is currently on the brink of another war in the Middle East, yet it seems as though virtually every news outlet is chomping at the bit trying to cover every nuance of this story that is so popular, it broke all kinds of Twitter records. I can't help but think that somewhere, some PR/marketing execs are sitting around a boardroom table high-fiving each other on a job well done. The articles, blogs and news commentary that you see are more or less uniform in the sense that they all practically nail Miley on a proverbial stake for her hyper-sexualized "dancing". Then, there are the overwhelming concerns from parents of the bad influence she will have on the young, impressionable girls that used to idolize Hanna Montana. You can almost hear the collective clattering of pitchforks and smell the kerosene from the torches as the angry mob begins to form.

But hold on a minute... did anyone notice that the guy Miley was seductively dancing on was Robin Thicke, a 36 year old married man of two children? Where is the outrage for him? Where is his pitchfork mob? The irony of it all is the fact that his father is Alan Thicke, who played sensible father Dr. Jason Seaver on the 1980's hit growing pains. But I digress...

This to me, as both a young male and a father, is where I think apart of the problem lies. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Miley is not accountable for her own actions. I would even make an argument that  that under the right circumstances, her performance was perfectly fine for the intended age demographic (fully developed, 18+ year olds who are responsible for their own actions) and perhaps the parents who are so concerned should simply do a better job of monitoring their underage kids' media exposure. But in a supposed modern society of gender equality, it's pretty obvious that there are some glaring double standards here.

To get a clear picture of this, you can look no further than your high school years. Remember the guy who was perceived as a ladies' man? The guy who was thought to have had multiple girlfriends, some whom he dated at the same time? He was probably seen as one of the most popular kids in school. Now remember that girl with the exact same reputation? More than likely, she was probably known as "promiscuous", to put it nicely. This is basically how our society has and continues to function today and our current pop stars (and some politicians) are simply a mirror reflecting our own distorted values back at us. Somehow, when it comes to sex, the burden of responsibility seems to shift almost entirely onto women and men seem to be able to get away from accountability and are easily forgiven by their peers.

And our young boys are watching and learning from all of this.

It's an unfortunate but all too real cycle of accepted misogyny that needs to be addressed. Because if we don't, we can never truly refer to our world as equal from a gender standpoint.

So how can we, as fathers help break this cycle? It starts at the dining room table, or on the basket ball court, or even on the hiking trail. Wherever the location, it should be an environment where you and your son spend quality time together and can communicate openly with each other about issues. As men, we need to be able to own up to our role and give our boys/young men the tools that they need to make smart decisions as they get older when it comes to girls, sex and how and the perception of both in the media vs the reality differs. Teach them that the images they see on TV are a pre-packaged fantasy with the intention of selling us a product. Without the proper guidance, it is likely a young man might misinterpret these images for the way actual, healthy relationships work in real life. Developing boys need to learn how to identify and distinguish between the two. Dads need to counteract the negative media influences and make sure their sons understand that women are human beings that deserve respect and words like "bitch" or "hoe" should only be used when describing a female dog or a useful gardening tool, respectively. And last but not least, despite what the lyrics of Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" say, teach them that telling a women "I know you want it" while one or both of your are under the influence of alcohol isn't foreplay, but rather a potential precursor to a sexual assault charge.

Currently, both of my sons are too young to know who Miley Cyrus is and what she has to do with their potential development, but I'm sure there will be someone just like her in the media when they do reach that age (which seems to be younger and younger as technology evolves). Whenever that time decides to rear its ugly head, here's hoping I'm ready to take it head on.



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23 comments:

  1. THANK YOU for writing about the male angle of all this.

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  2. Great post Kyle. I couldn't agree more! The same with the whole Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. I kept thinking, "Why aren't we condemning JT - who pulled at her top that caused the 'malfunction'?" - What message are we sending to young men? - That if they pull at a woman's clothing and her breast is exposed, that it's HER fault???? Why didn't JT get lambasted for pulling at her top in the first place? That is so wrong on so many levels. (AND I love JT!!!)

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  3. Great to read a male perspective on this. I actually wish there was more of an internet storm about world events than her antics on TV. Your sons will be fine young men someday!

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  4. I wish all men thought as you do, we would have a lot less kids growing up thinking the world is their play ground. Thank goodness your sons are too young to know Miley Cyrus... she has become down right disgusting.

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  5. Thank you for posting this! I agree with you. I don't condone Miley's actions, but she is a 20 year old seeking attention--albeit the wrong kind. No one has said a word about the man in the picture. At 36 he was certainly old enough to know better.

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  6. Your sentiments are well-needed in the media fury that is still going on over her performance. I heard her response the other day was "I don't care. I've seen this play out before." and she's totally right. Weeks or months from now we will have all forgotten and the problem will never be fixed unless we start holding all people to a higher standard.

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  7. I love that you wrote about this. Too often we only see a female perspective on other females, and lets face it, we are a catty bunch! I totally did not correlate that robin is Alan Thicke's son. Now it is all I can see when I look at him! LOL

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  8. Really interesting to read a males view of it all - I have to admit part of me thinks she's just doing what many other girls her age do but it just doesn't normally get put in the public eye it's done in dark clubs where no one else worries. Like every other VMA scandal though as you say it will be mostly forgotten about in a few months.

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  9. Bravo! A man who is a gentleman and 'man'. Thank you.
    I agree, we ALL need to be held responsible. The producers were just as responsible as Miley, Robyn and others.
    A sad shame that a young girl is calling out for help and attention and all we do is string her up.
    Hollywood ruins another young girl and the adults stand by and allow it.

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  10. That was my thought exactly when I saw all the commotion about it! I never watch that station so I wasn't privy to it nor did I know what twerking was! I do believe it was a PR stunt and it is unfortunate that both of them went along with it. They were just pawns in the grand scheme of things. We have 5 sons and we always taught them to value and respect women. I am glad you brought this side to the discussion, so a big Thank YOU! What was this 36 year old man thinking?

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  11. I think it all depends on the organizers and she was just playing her role....She is trying really hard to get rid of a kid image and that step was a mistake by her agency or organizer...this is what i think. thanks :)

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  12. It sounds like you will do just fine when the time comes. :) Hats off to ya!

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  13. I greatly appreciate you writing about this! I agree that it hasn't been dealt with fairly...and well she did it for the media and she sure got the media...oh well lol I have done my best not to get into it too much :)

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  14. That is the problem because many of the people are just focusing on one side. You're right, all I heard was about Miley and never heard a word about Robin.

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  15. You have a great point of view with this subject. I would love to see fathers take responsibility not only for teaching their sons but their daughters as well a better way to behave in public and social settings. Thanks for sharing.

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  16. Fortunately for me I didn't watch the VMA so didn't see it live but I did read about it. I really couldn't care less what goes on in the life of a celeb but I can see how parents would be outraged. After all they still think of her as "Hannah Montana". My kids were never fans and I'm sure if they were they're sensible enough to realize Hannah and Miley are 2 separate individuals. As for Robin Thicke, where is the outrage for him? Guess only Miley pays the price.

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  17. I did see it and was disgusted. I think overall society is to accepting of this type of behavior and it is causing problems for everyone. My son is 15 and I had a very lengthy conversation with him about the entire stunt.

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  18. Amen! I must admit though that I seem to have read some different thoughts on that night since I did see a lot of backlash directed towards Robin's culpability in the inappropriate display. This doesn't change the importance of your point that parents of boys should instill the same values they'd like to see in their daughters and that parents should play an active role in helping to mold their children's attitudes and beliefs.

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  19. I agree with you that there are a lot of factors at play here. It has a lot to do with this young woman's self-perception, the values under which she was raised, and the entertainment industry and the media.

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  20. I, too, was wondering why nobody was saying anything about the fact that Robin Thicke let Miley Cyrus grind all over him. It's always been acceptable for a guy to be the ladies men and do these things... but let a girl do something like this, and she's called names and looked down on. It's definitely not right.

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  21. lots of issues here. i wonder how it will be for kids seeing it. NIGHT viewers only

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  22. Oh, thank you for sharing your thoughts about this! So many folks have been talking about this, and the bottom line is that kids don't need to see that garbage. It's up to the parent to be a parent. When I was teen, I wasn't allowed to watch MTV, and now that I am a parent, I understand why.

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